*Submit sad title here*

"Darling, I can't do this on my own."

I don't quite know what is going on with me lately.

To say I'm miserable isn't quite fair, as I have a few great and supportive friends up here, and my roommate is fantastic.

But something else is going on. And it's not something I like to share anymore because no one wants to hear about it. Not one single person wants to hear how I can't let go of someone who has been gone for almost six years. Any 'regular person' lets go, moves on, and finds happiness elsewhere.

I wish I could be part of the norm. I've always wished that, even when I didn't. I never fit in while high school; I didn't wear the right brands, my haircut and style were weird, I was quiet and loud at the same time.
 In college, I found the best version of myself. 


 I found a boy who loved me, for all of the weirdness I had to offer. He made me believe I was worth something so profound, it was hard to live up to that notion. But I did. Because he was with me with all of it. True love. Or, at least the closest thing I'll ever know of true love. And it was brilliantly beautiful, and brings a smile to my face even when I'm sobbing. Is anyone this lucky, ever? No.....

Because he left all of us. He left me.

So I retreated and stayed low to the ground, perhaps in hopes of hearing his footsteps, his heartbeat, his voice in my ear, encouraging me. But no matter how much I strain, I don't hear him. 

Shouldn't I be fixed by now? Why am I still so broken? I think it's because I lost hope after he passed. Sorry friends, I love you all so much, but I can't make the hope come back. I just can't. 

I'm trying to find it again. I'm really trying. But a lot of times I feel like a beaten horse. I get out of bed every morning because I'm supposed to. I do what is asked of me because I'm supposed to. I laugh when things are funny because I'm supposed  to. I talk a lot because it hurts too much when I'm silent. I listen more than you think I do. I feel what you're saying more than you think I do.  

This is a rambling blog I probably shouldn't even post. But, I've always done things the hard way. I'm scared of the future because I can't let go. 
And I don't want to let go. Why should I? Really, why should I? Besides moving on with my life as a reason, give me another.....Look how jaded I've become....

 I worry about my friends and family because I've learned in the last five years, no one wants to hear about it anymore. So I'll retreat. And that's scary. But not the scariest thing I've experienced in my life. So at least there's that. And if I fail at everything else in my life, I hope that at the very least, the ones I love are FULLY AWARE that I adore them so. 

I adore you so much. I won't quit, ever. Even if in limbo, I won't quit. For you guys, I won't quit.