Pardon me.....

Hey you,
I've never been the sunshiny type. Even as a child. I've always fallen on the darker side. (I mean, who else besides Leezer and I spent our childhood road trips staring out the car windows searching for dead bodies? Stand By Me must have made a hell of an impact on me....) 

Speaking of impact, I need you all to know that although I'm dark and morbid at times, and have  really low and difficult moments, I'm okay. Truly, I'm okay. I word vomit a lot. I always have, I always will. Inviting my loved ones into this dark place, well....maybe I shouldn't have.

I shouldn't worry my parents. Or my friends. Then again, at 30, I feel like I'm learning things all over again, in a different way than originally taught. 

Being an adult kind of sucks, doesn't it? 

You have to figure out how to deal with emotions, dilemmas, and the most ridiculous amount of stress one can endure.

But that's kind of the point, isn't it? What can you endure?

This question has caused a pounding headache of sorts. (I started getting migraines at the age of eight; I've always stressed too much about everything, I think.) 

I don't mean to worry anyone. And I need to figure out a better way to get this across to people.  I tend to vent without letting anyone know where my sadness and fears come from....it's as though I want to express myself, but shove the reasons I feel the way I do under the rug. That isn't fair to you guys, I'm sorry.

I'm struggling with Mandy right now. I'm struggling with me. I'm not where I want to be in life and it's frustrating. And, if I'm not careful, it takes over the rest of me. But sometimes I'm too tired to be careful. I keep it all in and then release it, causing a chain reaction of worrisome throughout my world. 

So here is the thing: I'm constantly falling down, being too hard on myself, and occasionally let it completely loose when I know I should have a better grip. So for that, I apologize. 

But remember this, please: as low as I ever am, it's just me sorting through things in my head. Maybe they should stay in my head, but it gets crowded in there. Writing releases some of it, clears out some space for clearer thoughts. 

Nothing I said in any prior post is a lie. I've been really low lately, but now is the time to figure it out and get out of this funk. Because somewhere in this world, somewhere in this head, I'll figure myself out. I can't (I WON'T) promise that I won't still be dark and morbid, but if that worries you, do me a favor and think of my laughter. Because I laugh much more than I cry.

And I've been scared of failing. I've felt like a failure so many times. But what I'm trying to do is realize I'm not alone in this self-opposing battle and I don't always have to feel like the world is caving in. 

I'm a bit too strong for that.

When I cry, it's real. When I smile, it's real. I like parts of myself and want to improve other parts of myself. Yes, I'm doing it alone, and it hurts at times, but life hurts sometimes. Life hurts.
Love hurts. 

Life is lovely more often than not and perhaps it's time to put away the lonely demons. 

There may be pain behind the smile, but it doesn't mean the smile isn't completely real.

Love.