Hey you,
I've never been the sunshiny type. Even as a child. I've always fallen on the darker side. (I mean, who else besides Leezer and I spent our childhood road trips staring out the car windows searching for dead bodies? Stand By Me must have made a hell of an impact on me....)
Speaking of impact, I need you all to know that although I'm dark and morbid at times, and have really low and difficult moments, I'm okay. Truly, I'm okay. I word vomit a lot. I always have, I always will. Inviting my loved ones into this dark place, well....maybe I shouldn't have.
I shouldn't worry my parents. Or my friends. Then again, at 30, I feel like I'm learning things all over again, in a different way than originally taught.
Being an adult kind of sucks, doesn't it?
You have to figure out how to deal with emotions, dilemmas, and the most ridiculous amount of stress one can endure.
But that's kind of the point, isn't it? What can you endure?
This question has caused a pounding headache of sorts. (I started getting migraines at the age of eight; I've always stressed too much about everything, I think.)
I don't mean to worry anyone. And I need to figure out a better way to get this across to people. I tend to vent without letting anyone know where my sadness and fears come from....it's as though I want to express myself, but shove the reasons I feel the way I do under the rug. That isn't fair to you guys, I'm sorry.
I'm struggling with Mandy right now. I'm struggling with me. I'm not where I want to be in life and it's frustrating. And, if I'm not careful, it takes over the rest of me. But sometimes I'm too tired to be careful. I keep it all in and then release it, causing a chain reaction of worrisome throughout my world.
So here is the thing: I'm constantly falling down, being too hard on myself, and occasionally let it completely loose when I know I should have a better grip. So for that, I apologize.
But remember this, please: as low as I ever am, it's just me sorting through things in my head. Maybe they should stay in my head, but it gets crowded in there. Writing releases some of it, clears out some space for clearer thoughts.
Nothing I said in any prior post is a lie. I've been really low lately, but now is the time to figure it out and get out of this funk. Because somewhere in this world, somewhere in this head, I'll figure myself out. I can't (I WON'T) promise that I won't still be dark and morbid, but if that worries you, do me a favor and think of my laughter. Because I laugh much more than I cry.
And I've been scared of failing. I've felt like a failure so many times. But what I'm trying to do is realize I'm not alone in this self-opposing battle and I don't always have to feel like the world is caving in.
I'm a bit too strong for that.
When I cry, it's real. When I smile, it's real. I like parts of myself and want to improve other parts of myself. Yes, I'm doing it alone, and it hurts at times, but life hurts sometimes. Life hurts.
Love hurts.
Life is lovely more often than not and perhaps it's time to put away the lonely demons.
There may be pain behind the smile, but it doesn't mean the smile isn't completely real.
Love.
"Darling, I can't do this on my own."
I don't quite know what is going on with me lately.
To say I'm miserable isn't quite fair, as I have a few great and supportive friends up here, and my roommate is fantastic.
But something else is going on. And it's not something I like to share anymore because no one wants to hear about it. Not one single person wants to hear how I can't let go of someone who has been gone for almost six years. Any 'regular person' lets go, moves on, and finds happiness elsewhere.
I wish I could be part of the norm. I've always wished that, even when I didn't. I never fit in while high school; I didn't wear the right brands, my haircut and style were weird, I was quiet and loud at the same time.
In college, I found the best version of myself.
I found a boy who loved me, for all of the weirdness I had to offer. He made me believe I was worth something so profound, it was hard to live up to that notion. But I did. Because he was with me with all of it. True love. Or, at least the closest thing I'll ever know of true love. And it was brilliantly beautiful, and brings a smile to my face even when I'm sobbing. Is anyone this lucky, ever? No.....
Because he left all of us. He left me.
So I retreated and stayed low to the ground, perhaps in hopes of hearing his footsteps, his heartbeat, his voice in my ear, encouraging me. But no matter how much I strain, I don't hear him.
Shouldn't I be fixed by now? Why am I still so broken? I think it's because I lost hope after he passed. Sorry friends, I love you all so much, but I can't make the hope come back. I just can't.
I'm trying to find it again. I'm really trying. But a lot of times I feel like a beaten horse. I get out of bed every morning because I'm supposed to. I do what is asked of me because I'm supposed to. I laugh when things are funny because I'm supposed to. I talk a lot because it hurts too much when I'm silent. I listen more than you think I do. I feel what you're saying more than you think I do.
This is a rambling blog I probably shouldn't even post. But, I've always done things the hard way. I'm scared of the future because I can't let go.
And I don't want to let go. Why should I? Really, why should I? Besides moving on with my life as a reason, give me another.....Look how jaded I've become....
I worry about my friends and family because I've learned in the last five years, no one wants to hear about it anymore. So I'll retreat. And that's scary. But not the scariest thing I've experienced in my life. So at least there's that. And if I fail at everything else in my life, I hope that at the very least, the ones I love are FULLY AWARE that I adore them so.
I adore you so much. I won't quit, ever. Even if in limbo, I won't quit. For you guys, I won't quit.
