Off the Rails

     So I've been in Chicago for three weeks now, and it has been terrifying and more exciting than anything else in my life.  A lot of this I owe to a dear friend who welcomed me with open arms. I have conquered ridiculous fears (most of my fears are incredibly ridiculous, such as people on stilts  or semi-trucks without the trailer...SERIOUSLY).

      For instance, it  took me a week to gather the courage to get on the train. Why? Because I'm a neurotic weirdo. This is the girl who will walk up to a stranger and strike up a conversation and not think twice about it. I wasn't scared of the people, or of being alone (I actually really enjoy exploring this city alone sometimes), but I was fearful of not knowing what to do at any given moment. How do you buy a ticket? Where do I sit? Where am I going? How do you transfer? Where do all of the different colors go? etc., etc., etc., Now, I realized this is on the brink of psychotic behavior, but thinking about it nearly paralyzed me. I don't like to look like a total idiot. And I was almost positive that is exactly what was going to happen. What if I got lost? What if I was late to be somewhere?  All of these questions caused me great agony for a week.

     I was talking to my dad, trying to rationalize my fears to him. My wise father listened to me patiently, and then said something along the lines of 'Mandy, what's the worst that will happen if you get lost? What if you are late? People are late sometimes, it happens. You've been lost before, but you've always found your way back. What is the worst thing that could happen?'
     And of course, he was right.
     What was the worst thing that could happen?
     Now, if you know me at all, you know I'm an extremely worrisome person. I work myself into panic attacks all of time; I'm expecting the ground to drop out from underneath me at any given moment.  But I have got to get a grip, because it's hindering me from taking it all in and enjoying it to the fullest.  And how am I going to experience the entire journey if I couldn't get on the damn train?

      So my best friend, Sharon and I made a plan. Well, she made a plan for me. A very simple train ride, from point  A to point B, and a specific place she knew I'd love. She talked me through, step by step, how to put money on my card, where I would put the card to get through the gate etc,. (Sharon is the most patient person in the world when it comes to my neurotic, fearful tendencies.) I was ready. The next day I gave myself a pep talk and made myself promise not to break down in public (shut up, I know).

       I got on the train. Well, that was easy.
      What the hell was I so nervous about?? I knew what stop to exit from. I felt at ease. However, my destination stop was shut down for remodeling. Now, usually I would go straight into crisis mode. But rationale kicked in and I just hopped off at the next stop.  The specific place Sharon intended for me to enjoy myself and celebrate my train ride was only half a mile away. So I walked. Even though I had no idea where I was whatsoever, I was okay. I walked up to the door and they were CLOSED. I stood there, threw my fists in the air and just LAUGHED. Of course they were closed. Still-no panic. I simply turned around and headed back.

     I ended up finding the coolest little cafe and have been back since. I met some cool people. I had interesting conversations and experiences with some of those people. I regularly talk to a few of them now. New friends:)
    If everything had worked out according to plan, I never would have found this little gem. And everyone was right, of course I was okay.
    Facing my fears up here in Chicago has been intense, but soothing at the same time.  I'm not an idiot by any means, but when I moved up here, somehow I completely forgot that I'd be bringing along my emotional baggage.  Things I thought I had handled and let go of have resurfaced, and I have to fight my way through them again. Conquer the inner demons. We all have them, but I'm in the perfect place with good people to thwart the negativity. I'm working on my pessimistic ways, hoping that at almost 30-years-old, I can finally stop worrying so much about what could happen and just enjoy the ground I walk on, instead of waiting for it to drop out from under me.
    I mean, what's the worst that could happen?