I'll Figure Something Out?

Kind of feel like I'm falling apart right now. First off, don't be surprised. If you talk to me regularly, you know I'm not at the top of my game, and am feeling pretty shitty about it. Do you ever feel like the world is ganging up on you? Like you can't catch a break? Well, 2013 has been my pitfall so far. But, I guess it's early in the year still. My days are long and lonely, and I feel like I'm grasping at straws right now. I'll keep fighting though. Fighting for some sort of contentment.

So, the bright side? Ha, bright side. Right now, it's hard to see. But, this is not the worst I've ever felt. Silver lining, right? At least with what I've been through, I can honestly say 'This is not the worst I've experienced.' However, doesn't mean a girl doesn't panic and doubt herself in the worst possible way. I find that I become very quiet when I'm doubting myself. I withdraw. Probably so I can focus on crawling out of the hole. Maybe because when you're down, being alone makes sense.

I guess this is where I ask the universe for a break? I need a break of some sort. Or maybe this is some sort of awful test, the one I missed out on picking up the study guide. I have to figure something out. I'll figure something out. I've managed this far, right? I'll find my way. Whether crawling or walking, I keep on keeping on.

Shed Their Fear

First and foremost, sorry about not getting a blog up quicker, I've had some personal issues, but don't we all.

Speaking of personal issues, I'm facing a few myself right now. Life gets hard, doesn't it? You make big choices in your life and things don't go as planned, and we panic and try our hardest to readjust those plans and sometimes we fail, over and over again, and no matter what, those beatings suck, don't they? But we keep trying. Because that's what life is about.

But every once in a while, some of us strong-willed, happy-go-lucky people fall completely down the rabbit hole and hit our bottom. For whatever reason, whether we're willing to share, whether it was public knowledge, or whether new people in your life simply think you become nuts and depressed every so often (especially for a few days out a certain month here or there), some of us have a hard time. We all know that. The past sneaks up on us sometimes and we can't quite shake it at times like we can other times. I'm in one of those moments now.
 And it used to bother me that people couldn't get over the fact that I couldn't get over a tragedy I experienced as quickly as they wanted me to. Maybe some of those people just hated to see how much it still hurt me. So they walked away. Understandable. But I didn't quit living. I've continued to battle my demons, and what happened that day still haunts me, but it always will (and if you're reading this blog and are curious about what happened, just ask me, I don't have a problem telling people the story if you don't know already). Other people just had to walk away and get on with their lives. Understandable. Life moves on and  friends grow apart. That's a part of life, whether or not regardless of what happens, right? But that's not the point.

There is a logical part of our brain that says words such as: 'this too shall pass,' and 'there are so many things to look forward to in life,' and 'you just have to let go and let g--.'  I've heard them all and then some. In fact, if you've suffered a loss, you have too, correct?

I am a logical person. I know these things. I know bad things happen to a lot of people. It's taken me a long time to understand that bad things don't necessarily always happen to bad people (can't thank my catholic upbringing for that!).  Logic has taught me that sometimes bad things just happen. As I learned from many people, pretty sure my dad was the first to teach me this gem (if you don't know this by now, you should: SHIT HAPPENS.) Bad things happen to good people. Not claiming I'm good, I'm certainly NOT a good person, by any means, but I'm NOT bad.
 Not claiming I'm a saint by any means, but I'm really, finally starting to understand (thanks to logic) it wasn't my fault. There was nothing I could have done. I wish I could finally admit I've fully let go. Or that I necessarily always want to. But you won't understand that, nor do I expect anyone too. I still have a lot pain. It hurts to sleep alone. I want arms around me every so often. I want a body next to me in bed. I didn't downsize my bed size for lack of space.
 January 27-29 are difficult and the only tangible want I crave is a hug. A squeeze-the-near-life-out of me hug. But even in the big city of Chicago, I'm not going to ask anyone for that. It's unbecoming and no one should ever have to ask for it. I've learned to not worry about being touched.

I know I'm in a rough spot right now, but what you need to know is this:

 I appreciate the little things.  I truly do. I go out. I have FANTASTIC friends up here. I laugh a lot and I laugh hard.  I love hanging out. I love my music. I still dance and act silly and sing (well, try to sing). Music and books are my favorites. I love teasing people, always will. I look forward to movies. I want to hang around my friends and have drinks. I want to write a book (even though every time I try, I stall, scared of what will come out.)  It's a different life I planned, but life never goes according to plan.
 Tomorrow is going to  be the hardest. I plan on writing more, at least every other day, if not daily. I hope to gain more followers. I love you all.Take care. 

Looking Forward

I'm listening to Jack White's cover of 'Love Is Blindless'
Yes, please. Featured in the new The Great Gatsby movie trailer.

Ahhhhhhh. Something to look forward to.

I love looking forward to the little things. I will hold on for several months, YEARS if necessary for a movie that excites me. Or a band I adore releasing a new album or going on tour. Or finding out a favorite writer is coming out with a new book next year. I hold on through my yuck days, as we all need things to look forward to, even if it feels like grasping at straws.

I'm going to concentrate on moving forward, and simply adoring the NOW and accepting/planning for the future.  I want to find out who I REALLY am, and  what I'm REALLY capable of in life, for the year 2013.

I look forward to all of us moving forward, healing, working on ourselves, and having a GOOD TIME in life. Look forward to and enjoy the little things.

Here we go, kids. 2013. We've made it this far, let's continue the journey?

Pardon me.....

Hey you,
I've never been the sunshiny type. Even as a child. I've always fallen on the darker side. (I mean, who else besides Leezer and I spent our childhood road trips staring out the car windows searching for dead bodies? Stand By Me must have made a hell of an impact on me....) 

Speaking of impact, I need you all to know that although I'm dark and morbid at times, and have  really low and difficult moments, I'm okay. Truly, I'm okay. I word vomit a lot. I always have, I always will. Inviting my loved ones into this dark place, well....maybe I shouldn't have.

I shouldn't worry my parents. Or my friends. Then again, at 30, I feel like I'm learning things all over again, in a different way than originally taught. 

Being an adult kind of sucks, doesn't it? 

You have to figure out how to deal with emotions, dilemmas, and the most ridiculous amount of stress one can endure.

But that's kind of the point, isn't it? What can you endure?

This question has caused a pounding headache of sorts. (I started getting migraines at the age of eight; I've always stressed too much about everything, I think.) 

I don't mean to worry anyone. And I need to figure out a better way to get this across to people.  I tend to vent without letting anyone know where my sadness and fears come from....it's as though I want to express myself, but shove the reasons I feel the way I do under the rug. That isn't fair to you guys, I'm sorry.

I'm struggling with Mandy right now. I'm struggling with me. I'm not where I want to be in life and it's frustrating. And, if I'm not careful, it takes over the rest of me. But sometimes I'm too tired to be careful. I keep it all in and then release it, causing a chain reaction of worrisome throughout my world. 

So here is the thing: I'm constantly falling down, being too hard on myself, and occasionally let it completely loose when I know I should have a better grip. So for that, I apologize. 

But remember this, please: as low as I ever am, it's just me sorting through things in my head. Maybe they should stay in my head, but it gets crowded in there. Writing releases some of it, clears out some space for clearer thoughts. 

Nothing I said in any prior post is a lie. I've been really low lately, but now is the time to figure it out and get out of this funk. Because somewhere in this world, somewhere in this head, I'll figure myself out. I can't (I WON'T) promise that I won't still be dark and morbid, but if that worries you, do me a favor and think of my laughter. Because I laugh much more than I cry.

And I've been scared of failing. I've felt like a failure so many times. But what I'm trying to do is realize I'm not alone in this self-opposing battle and I don't always have to feel like the world is caving in. 

I'm a bit too strong for that.

When I cry, it's real. When I smile, it's real. I like parts of myself and want to improve other parts of myself. Yes, I'm doing it alone, and it hurts at times, but life hurts sometimes. Life hurts.
Love hurts. 

Life is lovely more often than not and perhaps it's time to put away the lonely demons. 

There may be pain behind the smile, but it doesn't mean the smile isn't completely real.

Love. 

*Submit sad title here*

"Darling, I can't do this on my own."

I don't quite know what is going on with me lately.

To say I'm miserable isn't quite fair, as I have a few great and supportive friends up here, and my roommate is fantastic.

But something else is going on. And it's not something I like to share anymore because no one wants to hear about it. Not one single person wants to hear how I can't let go of someone who has been gone for almost six years. Any 'regular person' lets go, moves on, and finds happiness elsewhere.

I wish I could be part of the norm. I've always wished that, even when I didn't. I never fit in while high school; I didn't wear the right brands, my haircut and style were weird, I was quiet and loud at the same time.
 In college, I found the best version of myself. 


 I found a boy who loved me, for all of the weirdness I had to offer. He made me believe I was worth something so profound, it was hard to live up to that notion. But I did. Because he was with me with all of it. True love. Or, at least the closest thing I'll ever know of true love. And it was brilliantly beautiful, and brings a smile to my face even when I'm sobbing. Is anyone this lucky, ever? No.....

Because he left all of us. He left me.

So I retreated and stayed low to the ground, perhaps in hopes of hearing his footsteps, his heartbeat, his voice in my ear, encouraging me. But no matter how much I strain, I don't hear him. 

Shouldn't I be fixed by now? Why am I still so broken? I think it's because I lost hope after he passed. Sorry friends, I love you all so much, but I can't make the hope come back. I just can't. 

I'm trying to find it again. I'm really trying. But a lot of times I feel like a beaten horse. I get out of bed every morning because I'm supposed to. I do what is asked of me because I'm supposed to. I laugh when things are funny because I'm supposed  to. I talk a lot because it hurts too much when I'm silent. I listen more than you think I do. I feel what you're saying more than you think I do.  

This is a rambling blog I probably shouldn't even post. But, I've always done things the hard way. I'm scared of the future because I can't let go. 
And I don't want to let go. Why should I? Really, why should I? Besides moving on with my life as a reason, give me another.....Look how jaded I've become....

 I worry about my friends and family because I've learned in the last five years, no one wants to hear about it anymore. So I'll retreat. And that's scary. But not the scariest thing I've experienced in my life. So at least there's that. And if I fail at everything else in my life, I hope that at the very least, the ones I love are FULLY AWARE that I adore them so. 

I adore you so much. I won't quit, ever. Even if in limbo, I won't quit. For you guys, I won't quit.

Feeling Good?

What are issues in the world that are really important to you? How much does it impact your life? How often do you support that cause? 

These are questions that have been nagging me lately. Mostly, because my answers to these questions were contradictory. For instance, the first question: what issues are important to me. That's an extremely easy one: suicide prevention/help/support. I was hit very hard, very personally by suicide and it stays with me on a daily, hourly basis. Many things I do in my life are a direct result of being affected by it, whether good or bad choices I've made, it stays with me. Which basically answers my second question: how much does it impact my life. It impacts my life the way a bullet  impacts. Sharp, extremely painful, and constant. Constant. It can be rough, very rough. It has made me feel alone, belittled, unloved, disrespected, crushed, guilty, etc. I could go on forever. But it stays with me. Now, the last question: how do I support that cause...well, that brought pain to me. Because I haven't done what I'm capable of doing to support the cause. I could write down all of the excuses, but at the end of the day, it comes down to simply facing it. I haven't wanted to face it for multiple reasons.
But I've changed my mind. It took years to buck up, but finally, I have. I'm hoping there is support behind it. I was struggling with asking for donations until I talked to my family and a friend of mine who reminded me that I'm asking for money to support a cause I'm very passionate about, not asking for money to support my peanut butter addiction. So I decided, why not? Let's do this.
So I've sent out my letters, begging for support, and posted the donation link on facebook. What I can't believe is the people who have responded. It makes me incredibly proud and grateful and incredibly sad also. Why sad? Because suicide affects so many of us. And I hate that. If you've read my previous posts, you're starting to get an understanding of how much other's pain affects me, which is a lot. But it's okay. I truly don't mind this burden.
The reason for this blog? To tell you all that with everyday that passes until the suicide prevention walk, I'm becoming more confident and proud to do this, for ALL OF US.
So yes, I'm asking you to take a step back and look at what you can do to answer the questions above and feel good. Because feeling good while doing good is truly the best.

<3

www.afspdonordrive.com

"The little things... there's nothing bigger, is there?"

"When there is nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire."

True story. We all do it, don't we? Whether we're aware of it or not; whether it's emotionally, mentally, physically (PLEASE, DO NOT SET YOURSELF ON FIRE!!!!); or whether we simply shut down. At some point in all of our lives, we put ourselves through hell.

Do you ask yourself why? 
Probably. (Of course)
Quit it. 

Quit blaming yourself for failures you've experienced, witnessed, suffered, caused....(the list of descriptive words goes on forever, email me if you want a longer list). Let me list the cliche monumental statements we all hold so dearly (because sometimes we need to hear them).

"This too shall pass." 
"Life goes on."
"Shit happens."
"Time heals all wounds."
Etc, etc, etc......

I'm a firm believer in karma. I truly-with all of my shattered heart-believe the best things to happen to us are equal to the worst things we experience. 

Twisted? Probably. 
True? Absolutely.

 If you read that and thought, "Wow, Amanda is definitely as screwed up as I thought she was, probably more so."
let me put it in different, sunshiny words for you...

The worst things we experience are equal to the best things to happen to us.

Feel better? 
Hope so.

A movie in my top 5 is Vanilla Sky. And there is a quote I refer to always: 

"Just remember, the sweet is never as sweet without the sour, and I know the sour.

The sour sucks. As much as the sweet rules. Sometimes I go to the dark place in my head. What is so wrong with that? I understand no one wants to see me upset and depressed anymore. But sometimes I need to remind myself that as dark and lonely as I've felt, I don't have to be there again. Not by choice, anyhow.

It's hard not to miss what you loved with all of your heart. But doesn't that make me human?  I suppose this blog should have a point, but I'm kind of lost right now. But what is that saying?

Shit happens.

But I've experienced all of the cliche sayings. And I've proven I'll get past it...so I guess (I can't believe I'm saying this-)

This too shall pass.