First and foremost, sorry about not getting a blog up quicker, I've had some personal issues, but don't we all.
Speaking of personal issues, I'm facing a few myself right now. Life gets hard, doesn't it? You make big choices in your life and things don't go as planned, and we panic and try our hardest to readjust those plans and sometimes we fail, over and over again, and no matter what, those beatings suck, don't they? But we keep trying. Because that's what life is about.
But every once in a while, some of us strong-willed, happy-go-lucky people fall completely down the rabbit hole and hit our bottom. For whatever reason, whether we're willing to share, whether it was public knowledge, or whether new people in your life simply think you become nuts and depressed every so often (especially for a few days out a certain month here or there), some of us have a hard time. We all know that. The past sneaks up on us sometimes and we can't quite shake it at times like we can other times. I'm in one of those moments now.
And it used to
bother me that people couldn't get over the fact that I couldn't get over a
tragedy I experienced as quickly as they wanted me to. Maybe some of those
people just hated to see how much it still hurt me. So they walked away.
Understandable. But I didn't quit living. I've continued to battle my demons,
and what happened that day still haunts me, but it always will (and if you're
reading this blog and are curious about what happened, just ask me, I don't
have a problem telling people the story if you don't know already). Other
people just had to walk away and get on with their lives. Understandable. Life
moves on and friends grow apart. That's a part of life, whether or not
regardless of what happens, right? But that's not the point.There is a logical part of our brain that says words such as: 'this too shall pass,' and 'there are so many things to look forward to in life,' and 'you just have to let go and let g--.' I've heard them all and then some. In fact, if you've suffered a loss, you have too, correct?
I am a logical person. I know these things. I know bad things happen to a lot of people. It's taken me a long time to understand that bad things don't necessarily always happen to bad people (can't thank my catholic upbringing for that!). Logic has taught me that sometimes bad things just happen. As I learned from many people, pretty sure my dad was the first to teach me this gem (if you don't know this by now, you should: SHIT HAPPENS.) Bad things happen to good people. Not claiming I'm good, I'm certainly NOT a good person, by any means, but I'm NOT bad.
Not claiming I'm a
saint by any means, but I'm really, finally starting to understand (thanks to
logic) it wasn't my fault. There was nothing I could have done. I wish I could
finally admit I've fully let go. Or that I necessarily always want to. But you won't understand that, nor do I expect anyone too. I still have a lot pain. It hurts to sleep alone. I
want arms around me every so often. I want a body next to me in bed. I didn't downsize my bed size for lack of space.January 27-29 are difficult and the only tangible want I crave is a hug. A squeeze-the-near-life-out of me hug. But even in the big city of Chicago, I'm not going to ask anyone for that. It's unbecoming and no one should ever have to ask for it. I've learned to not worry about being touched.
I know I'm in a rough spot right now, but what you need to know is this:
I appreciate the little things. I truly do. I go out. I have FANTASTIC friends up here. I laugh a lot and I laugh hard. I love hanging out. I love my music. I still dance and act silly and sing (well, try to sing). Music and books are my favorites. I love teasing people, always will. I look forward to movies. I want to hang around my friends and have drinks. I want to write a book (even though every time I try, I stall, scared of what will come out.) It's a different life I planned, but life never goes according to plan.
